Teenage years are a time when fundamental understandings of life really begin to develop. It is in our teenage years that we begin to formalize how we approach, evaluate, and handle difficulties that life may throw at us. Teens also value a growing sense of independence and may shun advice or guidance from older people who have been in their shoes. This may be especially true for parents of teenagers. However, it is incredibly important to stay active in a teenager’s life, monitor relationships for signs of danger, and understand how to approach sensitive issues.
Kids between the ages of 13 and 18 establish habits that will affect relationships for years to come. Unfortunately, teen dating violence is a serious issue that affects thousands of teens across the country. If you have a teenager who is in a relationship and suspect it is violent, unhealthy, or dangerous – take the time to talk to your child about teenage dating violence. Here are some suggestions to help you talk to your child about teen dating violence.
Parents, would you be able to recognize the signs if your teen was in an abusive relationship?
A 2009 study from Teen Research Unlimited found that, although 82% of parents (82%) said they were confident that they would be able to recognize if their child was in an abusive relationship, 58% could not identify the signs of abuse. Even if he or she isn’t ready to talk about the abuse, there are signs that a teen is in an abusive relationship. some signs of abuse include:
• Losing interest in things that used to be important
• Receiving excessive texts and other communications from their boyfriend or girlfriend
• Spending less time with family and friends
• Getting worried about how a dating partner will react
• Feeling pressured to do things a certain way
• Making excuses about a dating partner’s behaviors
Talking to teens about the health of their relationships or hook-ups is a proactive way to support teens, even if they are not in an abusive relationship. It’s never too early to start having these conversations — childhood and adolescence are crucial times to discuss love, respect, and boundaries. This month we will be sharing daily tips for talking to your teens about dating relationships and dating abuse. Make sure to come back for this important content.
Establish Open Lines of Communication and Set Positive Examples
Teenagers take cues from their surroundings and the media they follow. If they see violent relationships in the home, on television, or in a movie they may normalize any violent or damaging behavior within their own intimate relationships. You can help teens recognize unhealthy, violent, or negative dating relationship behaviors by setting positive relationship examples. If you and your teen are watching a movie about domestic violence, use the opportunity to talk about what you see on screen. Even if it doesn’t seem like your teen is listening, they are. They are hearing you on some level. Simply encouraging positive relationship habits – and pointing out negative behaviors – can help your teen shape positive habits and recognize unhealthy ones.
Talk to Daughters and Sons
Many parents may only look for signs indicating that their daughters are in abusive teenage relationships. However, it is equally as important to look for signs in both sons and daughters. Either can be the victim or perpetrator in violent teenage relationships. Staying attuned to behavioral changes in both sons and daughters is important. If your teen is engaging in violence, then make sure you discuss the criminal consequences with them.
Talk to Your Teen Privately
If you suspect your teen is in an unhealthy or violent relationship, set aside a time to speak privately. Teens are very sensitive to the perceptions of others and may be embarrassed about their situation. Finding a private space where your teen is most comfortable can help to set the scene for a meaningful and exploratory conversation.
Acknowledge That Relationships are Difficult
As a parent, you have had at least one – if not more – relationship from which you can draw experience, knowledge, and wisdom. Relationships are hard work and require a lot of effort to be successful. Your teen, whether they have been dating for a few years or just testing the waters, are relatively new to relationships and have a lot to learn. Try to relate to the difficulties your teen may be experiencing in his or her relationship by confirming that you understand how much energy – both emotionally and mentally – a healthy relationship requires. It is easy for relationships to fail because resorting to unhealthy behaviors is easier than investing time, energy, and consideration.
Set Their Sights High
Teach kids that healthy relationships involve good communication, the freedom to interact with other people, kindness, and the right to make decisions about physical contact. Help them develop strong self-esteem that is not dependent on attention from outside sources, but is formed by developing talents, working hard, and doing good things. Teach them to dress with self-respect and to stand up for themselves. Encourage young teens to form many good friendships and avoid heavy, serious, and exclusive relationships early in life. Now is the time to learn to develop their own sense of self, without worrying about pleasing a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Don’t Be Afraid to Get Uncomfortable
Teens will be hesitant to talk about their intimate relationships. This hesitance may only increase if the relationship is unhealthy or violent. It may be uncomfortable to broach subjects of dating and sex at first, but doing so is incredibly important if you suspect something is wrong. Your teen is developing habits and expectations that will stay with them for life – don’t shy away from ensuring these behaviors are positive because the subject is potentially embarrassing. Also, if you fear that your teen is engaging in teen dating violence, make sure they understand the potential criminal consequences.
Understand Your Teen’s Relationship
If your teen is in a relationship make it a point to ask about his or her partner. Invest in the relationship and encourage your teen to tell you about their new interest. The better you understand your teen’s partner the better you’ll be able to evaluate the relationship. Once you establish a baseline for how the relationship operates, negative changes may be more evident. If you regularly ask your teen about his or her relationship they may feel more comfortable approaching you if becomes unhealthy.
Encourage open, honest, and thoughtful reflection. Talk openly with young teens about healthy relationships. Allow them to articulate his or her values and expectations for healthy relationships. Rather than dismissing ideas as “wrong”, encourage debate —this helps young people come to his or her own understanding.
Be sensitive and firm.
Parenting a young teen is not easy—especially when it comes to helping him or her navigate their way through relationships. To be effective, you will need to find the balance between being sensitive and firm. Try to adapt to the changes faced by your child. Be willing to talk openly and respect differences of opinion. And, realize that the decisions you make will sometimes be unpopular with your young teen.
Understand teen development.
Adolescence is all about experimentation. From mood swings to risk taking, “normal teenage behavior” can appear anything-but-normal. New research, however, reveals that brain development during these formative years play a significant role in young teen’s personality and actions. Knowing what’s “normal” is critical to helping you better understand and guide young people.
Understand the pressure and the risk teen’s face.
Preteens and young teens face new and increasing pressures about sex, substance abuse and dating. Time and time again, young teens express their desire to have parents/role models take the time to listen to them and help them think through the situations they face – be that person!
Model and discuss healthy romantic relationships.
Believe it or not, your teens are watching and learning from you. That’s why it’s so important to model what a healthy romantic relationship looks like — one that consists of trust, honesty, compassion, compromise and communication. Then, talk to them about what a healthy one looks like. You can discuss forms of love, what it means to love, and similarities and differences between love and intense feelings. Point out healthy — and unhealthy relationships — in your own life as concrete examples your teens can relate to. Make sure young teens know how you feel about disrespect, use of abusive or inappropriate language, controlling behavior, or any forms of violence. Make the most of “teachable moments”.
Use TV episodes, movies, music lyrics, news, community events or the experiences of friends to discuss healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Help teens build their sense of self-worth. Point out your teens’ strengths and abilities, and avoid comparisons with other siblings or friends. Have discussions about what your kids value most about themselves and how those values can guide the development of healthy romantic relationships. Also, teach your teens to be self-compassionate by forgiving themselves and focusing on the good in themselves. When they make mistakes, encourage your teens to embrace those mistakes to learn from them and promote growth.
Know The Signs.
As many as 1 out of 2 teenagers experience dating violence, so recognizing the signs of different types of abuse is a great place to start. If you are concerned about your teen experiencing any type of dating violence but are unsure how to even start to help them, try starting an easy-going conversation free of judgment about the signs you’ve noticed. Perhaps they are experiencing digital or technological abuse from a partner; you notice they are always on their phone with their partner, or their partner frequently looks through their phone. Try to approach the conversation using curiosity: “I noticed your phone has been going off a lot lately, aren’t you the popular one?” or “I noticed you haven’t been hanging out with your friends much, I miss hearing you all laughing and playing music. Is everything okay?” Most importantly, remember teenagers are more likely to talk to an adult when they do not feel pressured or at risk of being punished. Therefore, listen with an open mind and ask open-ended yet strategic questions.
Give support:
Validate, empathize, and create a space where they feel safe. Believe them, even if what they tell you is hard to hear. For example, if your teen tells you: “I feel like my partner wants to pressure me into doing things I don’t like or know if I am ready for,” you can respond by saying something like, “That sounds like a really challenging thing to go through. Feeling like your partner is forcing you or not respecting your boundaries can bring up all kinds of hard emotions. What happens when you try to talk to them about it?” Or, “I really love my partner, but they keep demanding I skip work. I’m worried I might be fired,” you can respond by saying, “It’s okay to communicate to them how that makes you feel. You have a right to space and responsibilities outside of your relationship and your partner should be supportive of your independence. Your feelings are valid.”
Focus on behaviors:
Remember, it is normal that youth may still have feelings of love, connection, and compassion for the person who is harming them. When your child feels comfortable enough to disclose concerning behaviors to you, the last thing you want to do is make them feel like it is their fault, or they are a bad person. Try saying: “The behaviors you are describing sound very unhealthy. It is not okay to be forced to do something you are not comfortable with. I am not saying they are a bad person but calling and texting you constantly is very concerning.”
Understand Why Its So Hard To Leave
It can be extremely challenging to watch someone you love be hurt by a relationship and not be able to end it, but understanding some of the reasons why they might be unable to leave the relationship may help you work with them with patience and understanding. Relationships usually do not start out with identifiable abusive or even unhealthy behaviors — they start out in the honeymoon phase. As the relationship becomes more routine, fights and unhealthy behavior can start.
People stay in unhealthy relationships for many complicated reasons, but often because they have hope it will get better (and it usually temporarily does), love for that person, and fear of leaving. Abusers also often use tactics of minimization and blame so that it is more difficult for the victim to recognize the unhealthy behavior. Additionally, they may feel external pressure to stay in the relationship.
As confusing and scary as this is for you, keep in mind your child is also feeling a strong mix of emotions. Remember that ultimately your child must be the one who decides to leave the relationship. There are many complex reasons why individuals stay in unhealthy relationships and pressuring them could make them more likely to stay and less likely to reach out to you. Your continued support can make a critical difference in helping your teen find their own way to end their unhealthy relationship.
Prioritize safety:
Recognize that leaving the relationship may not resolve the issue, especially if they go to the same school or are in the same extracurricular activities or social circles. Remind them that their safety is your number one priority by using empathy to state your concern but also allow them to decide what is best for them. If, however, your child states it is another adult in their life who has harmed them, or your child’s life is at risk, reach out to the proper authorities with your child.
Discuss how to be an ‘active bystander’.
Teach teens how to stand-up for friends when he or she observes unhealthy treatment of his or her peers. Being an active bystander means doing something to stop dating abuse. Whether or not bystanders know the people involved, they have the power to stop abuse that is happening, intervene before abuse happens, or get help for the person being abused.
This means that for those who witness violence or notice red flags, it is important to take any form of action instead of diffusing the responsibility on others if there are multiple people present or aware. Being an active bystander does not mean to throw oneself in the middle of the action or get completely involved every time they witness violence. If a bystander wants to do something but not risk themselves getting hurt, they can still notify others, call law enforcement for additional assistance and intervention, and offering resources to the alleged victims.
Learning from the good and bad
Conversations about relationships do not need to focus solely on risky behavior or negative consequences. Conversations should also address factors that promote healthy adolescent development and relationships. Dating can affect a teen in both positive and negative ways. Teens can learn from both the good and the bad. Dating can help build self-esteem, help teens discover who they are, and help build social and relationship skills. Learning how to be part of a healthy relationship is an important skill to develop.
Parents should try to help teens understand that healthy relationships are based on several factors, including respect, honesty, fidelity (faithfulness), good communication and the absence of violence. Dating can help teens learn what goes into a healthy relationship.
But dating has a negative side, too. It can also hurt a teen’s self-esteem. It can reinforce stereotypical gender roles. Or it can give a teen unrealistic expectations about relationships.
Teens mature physically long before they fully mature socially and understand adult issues. Those include the emotions involved in an intimate relationship. This is why parents should be ready to help teens set guidelines on when they are ready to date. They also should help teens understand when a relationship is getting too intense or unhealthy.
Be an active participant in your young teen’s life.
Staying involved in teens’ lives may look different than when they were younger, and it can be challenging to stay close with teens as they seek greater independence and autonomy. Explore ways to know more about your young teen’s friends and interests. Find activities you can do together like:• playing sports, bike riding, exercising, going for a walk, gaming, cooking, attending events, or going out for a meal or dessert.
• Work on a project together around the house or volunteer in the community
• Talk about what’s going on at school.
• Discuss what you want to do in the future.
Don’t prevent them from seeing their partner.
Controlling their actions will make them more likely to keep secrets from you. Avoid taking their decision-making away from them – as this is a tactic they may already be experiencing in their abusive relationship. Remember that forcing this is something that their partner might use to manipulate and use as “proof” that other people are the problem. Instead support them by creating boundaries about how they can spend time with their partner. For example: They can hang out as much as they want at your house- with you home. Create opportunities for their partner to come over- where you can keep an eye on the situation.
Allow them to make up their own mind. Leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship is difficult and may even be dangerous. While you may have more years of experience with relationships than they do, they know the circumstances of their own relationship far better than you do. Remember that abuse is about power and control; making decisions for them can only add to the disempowerment they’re already experiencing from their partners.
Be prepared to make mistakes.
Your instinct is probably to remove your child from harm’s way immediately. However, abusive situations aren’t that simple. Even though helping them can be frustrating when you don’t understand or agree with their decisions, they need to know that they can trust you and depend on you for support. Make decisions that let them know that you’re there for them. You will make mistakes. Accept that you will make mistakes, but continue to help teens make responsible choices while trying to maintain that delicate balance of being sensitive, but firm.
Know Where To Get Help.
Montgomery County Women’s Center (MCWC), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit agency whose mission is to lead the effort in preventing domestic violence and sexual assault through crisis intervention, assistance, advocacy, empowerment, and social change. Services include a 24-hour crisis hotline, emergency shelter, transitional housing, advocacy, counseling, legal services, and community outreach. 24/7 Crisis Hotline (936) 441-7273.
